Ang vs. Normalcy

In 2019 I had a gig as a dancer in a music video. I was on set in the process of getting my makeup done when the rest of the cast arrived. One of the musicians started cracking jokes to his buddies and I struggled to keep a straight face as the makeup artist attempted to give me visible eyebrows. I felt drawn to this stranger for his apparent confidence and sense of humor. He also struck me as normal, which was a particularly great selling point.

Normal Musician Guy seemed very at ease; he roped me into some light conversation and I could immediately sense some chemistry between us. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but I affirmed myself for getting my flirt on with an objectively attractive man. I’ve been told I give off an inspiring lack of charisma when conversing with men (please, hold your applause), so this moment of chemistry felt like an Olympic achievement and I decided to capitalize on it.

You know what? I’m gonna totally kiss this guy, and therefore achieve my goal of kissing just one normal man before my hair turns completely grey and I become a crazy old hag with a dozen cats.

My first kiss was a guy from my university’s soccer team; he was missing teeth, wore at least half a bottle of cologne every day, and I kissed him behind a Waffle House where the “W” wasn’t lit up so it read “Affle House”. My second kiss was a friend of mine and I kissed him because it was 2012 and I thought maybe the Mayans were right about the world ending and I didn’t want my only kissing experience to have been the aforementioned dramedy. My third kiss was a guy I accidentally dated for 40 days and 40 nights in 2016. He was a musician/former drug dealer with communication issues; he used to compliment me in a Donald Trump impersonation which made me VERY uncomfortable, and one time he called me “the devil”. Turns out I don’t care to be spoken to in that way.

Honestly, kissing is gross. That’s where your food goes. But sometimes the dark stars align and on set with NMG I found myself drunk on the cocktail of feminine wiles and winter-induced depression. 

I will draw him to me with my magic powers and he will kiss me with the force of a thousand waterfalls and I will be celebrated as the greatest wizard in the world.

The video shoot was two days, and at the end of the second day NMG rode the bus back to Queens with me and invited me to watch his band play a gig that coming weekend. I agreed, internally belly-laughing at the idea NMG had any other alternative but to be at the mercy of my magic powers.

My absurd confidence remained intact until I showed up at the bar on Saturday night.

This is so dumb. I hate bars. I don’t drink. I don’t even know this guy, and I came here by myself, unarmed. What if he’s a murderer? Don’t be ridiculous, Ang. You can take him. 

After his band was done playing, NMG came over to me and tried to get his flirt on, which was horribly awkward because the music was so loud he was basically yelling at me.

“HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL EYES?”

Barf. I hate this. No, of course people don’t tell me that. I’m a self-aware woman, and I know what I bring to the party is not my deep-set, murky-pond-colored eyes. It’s my thunder thighs. You can’t play me, bruh!

But because I was determined for him to be normal, I smiled and yelled back, “OH, THANK YOU!” 

The music was good so we started dancing. He moved in to kiss me, I allowed it (BECAUSE I AM A WOMAN AND THE WOMAN CALLS THE SHOTS ON THE MOVES, LADIES, YOU HEAR ME?), I kissed him, and there was an applause break in my head.

Way to go, Ang. You kissed one normal guy before your hair turns grey! You are honestly CRUSHING adulthood.

As we left the bar and walked back to the subway, NMG said, “You know, the dude running the bar totally screwed us over in terms of the money we were supposed to make tonight, and I’m so pissed. I can’t wait until I’m the one screwing other people over.”

Hold up, WHAT? Someone mistreated you and you dream of perpetuating the ugliness? What’s the matter with you? Yeah, this doesn’t look good. 

At the top of the subway entrance, NMG said, “Wait a second, I have to pee. You go down into the subway and I’ll just pee up here on the corner.”

You must be joking. Fool, this is Manhattan, we have toilets everywhere! You can’t hold it five minutes so we can walk around the corner and find one for you? Also, you think you can just SEND a strong independent woman like me down into the subway alone after midnight and THEN come stand next to me with your gross penis-pee-pee hands!? Dummy, you got it twisted. *sigh* Peeing on city sidewalks is not the kind of normal I was looking for here, Ang.

But in a last-ditch effort to find the sliver of his normalcy to justify my life choices, I smiled and said, “Ok, see you in a minute.”

Down in the subway, NMG started telling me about his extensive use of crystals. “When I first started using crystals a year ago, I lost sixty pounds in one week.”

No you didn’t.

“What? I mean, there’s no way you lost sixty pounds in seven days.”

“No I ABSOLUTELY did.”

Well you didn’t, but ok.

“Are you into crystals?”

“No, I’m into Jesus and church.”

The look on his face told me HE was the one who realized he had just accidentally spent his evening with a full-out freak. But I didn’t care because at least I pee in bathrooms. Except for that one time which was an emergency.